# Hyperbonding and Separation Anxiety (In Riley)



## TeamPoodle (Aug 10, 2015)

We brought Riley home almost 6 months ago. When we brought him home, he immediately hyperbonded to me and had separation anxiety if I left. We’ve worked hard to make him feel comfortable in the house alone, and I wanted to document what we’ve done, both for me to remember and in case it can help others. I’m by no means an expert in dog training, but we’ve worked with an APDT force-free trainer and also came up with a few methods of our own.

For those of you who haven’t heard the word “hyperbonding” before, it signifies a dog who overly bonds to a single human, where that person is their only person, and they are distressed when “their human” is gone, even if there are other humans in the household. Here’s more on this topic: I Love You to Death; Why Over-Bonding is Bad Even Dangerous for Your Dog - TheDogTrainingSecret.com

Riley is very much a hyperbonded dog. If both my husband and I come home, he over-enthusiastically greets me while completely ignoring my husband, even if my husband tries to get Riley’s attention. If I’m on a conference call for work in a room with the door shut, he will choose to sit at the door and whine instead of being in the living room with my husband. He follows me everywhere (if given the chance to). Any time I sit down, he wants to sit on me. He wants to sleep snuggled in bed next to me. While this level of love/attention seems nice, it isn’t healthy for Riley. It means that when I’m gone, he’s anxious (separation anxiety). In the beginning, if we left him alone, even for an hour, we’d come home and his whole muzzle would be wet and he was panting. Clearly distress.

Luckily (for us) we had a trainer in our home 3 days after bringing Riley into our family, and she made us aware of Riley’s hyperbonding. Here’s what we did: 

When I work from home, all conference calls (and I have a lot of them) are taken in a separate room with the door shut. This means that for part of the day we’re in the same house, but Riley needs to be away from me. Same with bio breaks and showers. Doors are shut. A lot of time Riley will still choose to wait at the door, but now sometimes he’ll go back into the living room or go find my husband. He rarely whines at the door anymore, which is a positive step.
He learned “stay”. If he was sitting on the couch and I got up to go grab a pencil in a different room, Riley would follow me. In fact, in the beginning, if all three of us (husband, me, and Riley) were sitting on the couch together, my husband could get up, go do stuff, come back and Riley would be in the exact same spot as when he left. If I so much as jiggle my leg, Riley would be on his feet ready to go. So, we taught him to “stay”. First, it was “stay”, I walked halfway across the room, and came back, praised, and released. Since Riley is actually more physical praise and toy motivated, we didn’t use treats or the clicker for this. Over time, I was able to tell him to stay, dash into a different room for a couple of seconds, and come back and find him still in his stay position. We increased this to where now I can go into different rooms for a minute or two, shut several doors, make noises, and he won’t break his stay. We constantly work and reinforce this, because it is important for us that he doesn’t feel the need to follow me around the house
Along the same lines, if both my husband and I are sitting in the living room reading, we’ll instruct Riley to jump up on the couch with my husband and “stay”. If given the chance, he’ll come snuggle me every time, but I want him to have a bond with my husband. 
Strengthening my husband’s bond with Riley: this helped too. I sent them both to a tricks class. My husband finds doing tricks with dogs fun, so they had a good time. I stayed home. They had to practice at home, too, and I didn’t partake in any of the training sessions. Over the 4-week course, I saw a definite shift in Riley’s attitude with my husband. Through working together and having fun, their bond got stronger. 
Riley doesn’t sleep in bed, and he needs permission to climb on my lap. He has a dog bed, elevated to be the same height as our bed, and right next to our bed. I’d love to sleep snuggled up to him, but I need him to feel comfortable alone. I travel for work so this is important to me. I’ve also mentioned that if given the chance, Riley would be on my lap 24/7. He needs permission to be on my lap, and if I don’t give it to him, he has to go find somewhere else to be comfortable.
I leave the house every day. Whether just to get the mail, or go to the gym, or longer, he’s in the house without me for some length of time every day. We saw that if on a weekend day we were both home all weekend and giving him more attention (since neither of us works on weekends) Riley’s attitude come Monday was a lot more clingy and needy. We have to keep some level of consistency in his days.
Time. This is a constant work-in-progress. Riley is still very bonded to me, and I want him to be bonded, don’t get me wrong, but now we can leave him for 4 hours and come back to a happy, settled dog. When I leave the house, he no longer tucks his tail and gives me a sad look, he jumps on the couch and looks at me like “yeah, I know you’re leaving, I suppose that’s alright”. I can leave on business trips and he does just fine with my husband. In fact, when I’m not around, Riley gives my husband EXTRA love and attention. Ha.
Channeling his bonding behaviors into positives for training: I’ve already mentioned his rockstar “stay”. Riley also has a pretty good recall (I don’t win against birds… yet). I think because he is so bonded to me, if I call to him, he runs back to me as if to say “yes mom, I’m here mom, what do you need?” Even if I don’t ask for a recall, he’ll be out playing with the neighbor dog and he’ll come up to me for frequent check-in’s. And he has GREAT eye contact with me. He gives eye contact frequently and willingly, which I praise. So, it isn’t all bad :wink:

The next step will be slowly getting him used to being at my parents’ house without us. There will inevitably be times we will both be out of town, and we want him to feel comfortable when we’re both away. He’s already comfortable in my parents’ house as we visit often, but he’s never been there without us. 

Overall, we’ve got a pretty great dog. He’s a total sweetheart and I’m amazed at how much he’s learned in the past 6 months. I often feel like we still have a long ways to go with his training, but in those times I think back to the dog we brought home, and I think “we’re doing okay”


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## Dechi (Aug 22, 2015)

Not an easy dog for sure, and you are doing a terrific job with him ! 

Merlin is more bonded to me but fortunately he isn't to the point Riley is. It sure isn't healthy for a dog and I am glad you found a way to make it better for him.


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## Mfmst (Jun 18, 2014)

I think you and your husband are doing a great job. You are giving Riley the training that will allow him to cope with inevitable absences without falling apart or becoming destructive.


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## Viking Queen (Nov 12, 2014)

You Have done a wonderful job with him and I thank you for detailing what you have done.

I live alone with my dog and I think that single dogs within single person households can tend to wind up hyperbonded with their person just because there is no one else.

I worked hard to make sure that did not happen with my kiddo and will use some of your techniques with my next one.

Thank you for sharing. 


He is sooooo darned cute, too!!!

VQ


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## TeamPoodle (Aug 10, 2015)

Thanks for the encouragement! He's a wonderful dog, and sweet to boot, so it is hard not to snuggle him every hour of the day! But when he leaves the room to go investigate something or curls up on the couch by himself, I know to leave him be. I love seeing him develop independence and confidence.


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