# I definitely am the problem !



## nifty (Aug 2, 2013)

Dechi, what a frustrating situation! It sounds like Merlin is truly tuned right in to you - kind of mixed blessing, to say the least! I don't think you need fixing and I wonder if trying some calming signals would be helpful? I know that Merlin came to you already a frightened little dog and maybe he didn't learn canine calming signals, but if he has learned them, it might work! 

Check out Kikopup's short video on calming signals. I found the audible yawning worked like a charm helping Dulcie to settle down. Maybe a big yawn and looking away from Merlin as you stand to the side of the door will help defuse Merlin's hyper awareness of your fatigue.

everyone gets impatient and everyone has mood ups and downs throughout the day and night - especially when we are tired! I think its natural and understandable and I believe Merlin can learn that it isn't a threat to him if you are tired or impatient!

Sending you a supportive virtual hug!


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## Indiana (Sep 11, 2011)

Ha! I have Bostons also, and they are dog aggressive in a ny minute. I wouldn't blame yourself, they have the old pit fighter blood and don't need much of an excuse. It's funny about Merlin not wanting to come in...what if you let your daughter let him in every night and you were sitting back somewhat (out of sight) with a high-value treat? He might forget whatever misgivings he has over time because he would associate coming inside with the treat that was waiting.


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## spindledreams (Aug 7, 2012)

Perhaps if it only happens at night there is something you do differently that bothers him but I would think it may have something to do with going from dark into a bright building. Do you or your daughter stand in different places? Are you different heights? Perhaps she blocks light or you do... examine others differences between coming in at night vs coming in during the day.... Also you said you are tired perhaps your tone is not as bright and happy as it is during the day. Biggest thing is look at how you are standing, calling, etc and compare it to your daughter see if you can pick out differences maybe even have her make a video of you trying to get him in at night so you can watch and see what may actually be happening.


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## Dechi (Aug 22, 2015)

Indiana said:


> Ha! I have Bostons also, and they are dog aggressive in a ny minute. I wouldn't blame yourself, they have the old pit fighter blood and don't need much of an excuse. It's funny about Merlin not wanting to come in...what if you let your daughter let him in every night and you were sitting back somewhat (out of sight) with a high-value treat? He might forget whatever misgivings he has over time because he would associate coming inside with the treat that was waiting.


He gets a treat in the morning and he won't take it sometimes, if there is a noise or a different object. I would say he takes it maybe 2 out of 3 times, a little less. But at least he comes in...

Maybe I can try that. But he is unpredictable at taking treats, it scares him.


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## Dechi (Aug 22, 2015)

spindledreams said:


> Perhaps if it only happens at night there is something you do differently that bothers him but I would think it may have something to do with going from dark into a bright building. Do you or your daughter stand in different places? Are you different heights? Perhaps she blocks light or you do... examine others differences between coming in at night vs coming in during the day.... Also you said you are tired perhaps your tone is not as bright and happy as it is during the day. Biggest thing is look at how you are standing, calling, etc and compare it to your daughter see if you can pick out differences maybe even have her make a video of you trying to get him in at night so you can watch and see what may actually be happening.


Good point. My daughter told me to stand back when he starts coming in and hesitates. She says I need to take a few steps back, that's what she does.

She also says she can hear the impatience in my voice and even in the way I clap my hands on my leg to encourage him to come. She says I am clapping too hard. All of those are signs of impatience. The truth is, all I want is to go to bed and have the animal routine done. i wish I could just get into a relaxing trance, lol !


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## Poodlebeguiled (May 27, 2013)

Why not take her out a little earlier...before you're so tired...not so early that she can't last through the night of course. But maybe a little earlier. (?) It looks like you're going to have to muster up some extra patience because I think you're right...that is making her nervous and unsure. If you start to feel tense, maybe you should just pick her up and bring her in or use a leash. If she gets too dependent on that, who cares. It's better than the alternative. You can always work on the training to cross through the door at other times when you're more in the mood. It is trying sometimes. Dogs take a whole lot of patience, don't they.


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## fjm (Jun 4, 2010)

When I find myself beginning to get into that impatient state I try some brain fooling tricks - humming a really silly upbeat song, dancing round the room, doing a complicated bit of mental arithmetic, slow breathing while counting, even just smiling. It sounds as if your frustration is clearly expressed in your body language, and that is actually quite easy to change. I would video your daughter calling him in, and ask her to video you, then compare the two.


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## twyla (Apr 28, 2010)

Dechi, I am an anxious person by nature I can and do get frustrated easily and when Beatrice was a pup, oh heck who am I kidding even now, will not walk on a leash if I am anxious or upset, and by not walk I mean she will abruptly sit down and not budge. So I have to clear my mind of upsetting thoughts, I do this by taking a deep breath and just think about the walking, what the dogs are excited, about silly things like leaves, squirrels etc just be in that moment. I am still anxious but I can get through walks without to much trouble now.


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## Coldbrew (Jun 17, 2015)

since you mentioned "relaxing trance", have you thought about taking the time while Merlin is outside to meditate for a bit? Just sitting somewhere comfortable and thinking about all the good things that happened in your day (or good things that are coming, good things in general, or even just timing your breathing while keeping your mind blank) before you get up to let him in. 

If he's in tune with your feelings (and it really sounds like he is!) sensing that you are relaxed and happy might make him feel more confident himself.

Good luck!


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## Dechi (Aug 22, 2015)

Poodlebeguiled said:


> Why not take her out a little earlier...before you're so tired...not so early that she can't last through the night of course. But maybe a little earlier. (?) It looks like you're going to have to muster up some extra patience because I think you're right...that is making her nervous and unsure. If you start to feel tense, maybe you should just pick her up and bring her in or use a leash. If she gets too dependent on that, who cares. It's better than the alternative. You can always work on the training to cross through the door at other times when you're more in the mood. It is trying sometimes. Dogs take a whole lot of patience, don't they.


I would be hesitant to change his routine, it upsets him a lot. He runs to go to bed when he comes in, and I don't want to put him to bed earlier.

Putting a leash on him is not a bad idea, when the soil dries because right now it's a terrible mushy mess, with the snow melting and dirt mixing.

Catching him without a leash is impossible, if I step outside, he flees.


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## Dechi (Aug 22, 2015)

fjm said:


> When I find myself beginning to get into that impatient state I try some brain fooling tricks - humming a really silly upbeat song, dancing round the room, doing a complicated bit of mental arithmetic, slow breathing while counting, even just smiling. It sounds as if your frustration is clearly expressed in your body language, and that is actually quite easy to change. I would video your daughter calling him in, and ask her to video you, then compare the two.


Very good ideas, I'll try singing. And I'll ask my daughter to make a video of me.


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## Dechi (Aug 22, 2015)

twyla said:


> Dechi, I am an anxious person by nature I can and do get frustrated easily and when Beatrice was a pup, oh heck who am I kidding even now, will not walk on a leash if I am anxious or upset, and by not walk I mean she will abruptly sit down and not budge. So I have to clear my mind of upsetting thoughts, I do this by taking a deep breath and just think about the walking, what the dogs are excited, about silly things like leaves, squirrels etc just be in that moment. I am still anxious but I can get through walks without to much trouble now.


Good to know it chan be changed !


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## Dechi (Aug 22, 2015)

Coldbrew said:


> since you mentioned "relaxing trance", have you thought about taking the time while Merlin is outside to meditate for a bit? Just sitting somewhere comfortable and thinking about all the good things that happened in your day (or good things that are coming, good things in general, or even just timing your breathing while keeping your mind blank) before you get up to let him in.
> 
> If he's in tune with your feelings (and it really sounds like he is!) sensing that you are relaxed and happy might make him feel more confident himself.
> 
> Good luck!


Well, this is something I have been trying to do for a looooong time and ii's very hard for me. I am a very stressed person by nature. I Have improved a lot, but not enough for him apparently. This particular moment has become a source of stress for both of us and we seem to be building on it more and more.

I will keep trying, hoping there is a breakthrough soon.


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## lily cd re (Jul 23, 2012)

You cannot lie to a dog about your state of mind. I had a really hard time dealing with Lily for quite a while when she was a puppy. She was very high energy and I got easily fed up with her, especially when I got home (lots of jumping and pulling on my clothes, nipping on my hands). That only made her harder to deal with. I think I have told this story elsewhere here, but short version here. I decided one day that I really needed to be the one to make it all change. I got home kind of wound up from work and instead of going into the house annoyed I went for a walk, did some deep cleansing breaths and walked into the house. A different dog greeted me, happy I was there, but not crazy. I took it as a sign that I needed to learn to be a calmer and more relaxed person generally. I am a better person for what my sweet girl taught me way back when she was a crazy baby.


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## marialydia (Nov 23, 2013)

Our dogs pick up on our anxieties, don't they, but they can't interpret what it's about. And thank you Dechi and everyone because now I see better why Pericles sometimes doesn't want to jump in the car.

If I'm in a hurry, going on a road trip for example, and trying to get them in the car, all the dogs know is that I am wound up but not that getting in the car will help solve the problem.

Pericles doesn't much like jumping into the car, for whatever reason. Then if I get antsy, he really hesitates. It's not that it's hard for him -- the car is an Outback, not that high, and he regularly jumps all four steps up to the top of the deck, for joy -- but that he's picking up on my irritation when he hesitates. 

Then of course I make it much worse. A cheery "jump in the car, Pericles" becomes "Jump in the car, bubba!" and if it goes on too long, "Get in the $&#@ing car now". 

Not that I would ever say such a thing.

So thanks everyone for the great suggestions, and Dechi I guess we all need to breathe slowly and deeply.


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## lily cd re (Jul 23, 2012)

Dechi and Marialydia, making that decision to be sure to match my internal and external self to each other was transformative. It isn't that I never get annoyed, I just don't try to fake that I am happy when I am not so. But overall I have learned to be a more relaxed and calm person from reading how the dogs respond to me.


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## Poodlebeguiled (May 27, 2013)

Okay so you don't want to change his routine. Then you might need to change yours a little bit to meet him half way. Do you take a little nap in the afternoon? Maybe that would help make it easier to not be so tired at his bed time. (?) 

Another thing...it would be good if you could post a video of you trying to coax him in at that time of night. It would be informative to see your body language and how he may be interpreting it. Sometimes the way we stand or bend, stare, tense up etc tells the dog in his language something we don't meat to be telling him and it can contrast with what our intention is. Some changes there might help along with taking some deep breaths and sighing, relaxing and just forcing yourself to be more patient. I know first hand because I'm kind of a nervous person and want things to hurry along like you. Singing a little tune, looking at the stars helps while I wait for my dogs. I like listening too, for animals...like the owl that lives way out there in the field or the coyotes, other little sounds. I know what you mean though. I'm tired too at night and sometimes they dawdle too much for my liking. Of course, the difference is if I tell them, "hurry the hell up," (lol) they don't get nervous or shy. They're totally use to me and my primate ways. But with little Merlin, you somehow have to find a way to relax and be patient like you are the rest of the time.

Did you see this? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MgnLgHFRJu4


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## Dechi (Aug 22, 2015)

We'll make a video of me trying tonight and I'll post it here so you can help me if you see something. It's all in my tone of voice I think. You've seen my daughter, I posted it somewhere else.

Yes, I had but I Watched it again, and I just realized that his looking right and left are probably calming signals ! I will try that also. Thanks !


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## patk (Jun 13, 2013)

maybe put a stool that is low to the ground, as in one used for gardening, near the door and sit in it while calling him. makes it harder for your body language to be imposing. of course one of those chairs people buy to take to sporting events - with a cup holder (wine? martini?) attached could also work. sitting, sipping and asking your dog to come home could be very relaxing...:angel2:


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## Dechi (Aug 22, 2015)

I'm already dreaming of my glass of wine, lol !


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## nifty (Aug 2, 2013)

I vote for the glass of wine and sit in from the doorway and kind of ignore Merlin (look away - calming signal - maybe yawn elaborately ) and when he comes in, be casual, walk around him in a wide circle, close the door and then maybe offer him a really great treat like a piece of boiled chicken or cheese! Worth a try and meanwhile, you will have wine!


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## lisasgirl (May 27, 2010)

OK, two things that help me in these situations:

1) Compose a list of about 5 jokes (to start with) that you can tell yourself _about_ the stressful situation. Then tell yourself the jokes while it's going on. Suddenly everything becomes a lot less serious. I find that generally helpful in stressful situations - to either come up with jokes or imagine how I'll tell this as a funny, entertaining story sometime later when it's all over.

2) The mental trick I have for calming signals is that most of them just involve acting like you're really, really bored by the situation. Audible yawning, turning away, sniffing/looking at unrelated things, etc. Think of how a 13-year-old acts when forced to interact with a group of older relatives they don't know well. Or if that just makes you annoyed (haha), then think of it like you're not trying to communicate to the dog that there's no threat - you're trying to communicate that there's nothing of interest going on _at all._ You're downright bored by how few scary or stressful things are going on right now. Try yawning, turning away, leaning against a wall, even looking at your phone (unless the phone scares him). See if that helps defuse things a bit.


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## JudyD (Feb 3, 2013)

Dechi, I'm having a glass of wine for you right this minute, just to give you a head start. Hope it helps! :biggrin1:


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## Poodlebeguiled (May 27, 2013)

JudyD said:


> Dechi, I'm having a glass of wine for you right this minute, just to give you a head start. Hope it helps! :biggrin1:


You're a true chum! lol.:drink: :highfive:


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## Dechi (Aug 22, 2015)

Well, I am really disappointed that I didn't need the glass of wine... I compared my technique with my daughter's, as suggested, and the main difference was that she takes 3-4 steps back to give him space when he comes in, and I don't.

So I tried that and it did the trick. He came in really fast compared to what he usually does. Probably as fast as with my daughter !

Here it is, I hope it lasts and that I don't ruin it. I was careful to sound happy and not stressed out, maybe that helped too.

http://vid68.photobucket.com/albums/i34/Sidech/Merlin/IMG_1212_zpsdxvcsbt8.mp4

Thanks to everyone, you have so much insight it's incredible !


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## marialydia (Nov 23, 2013)

Congratulations! It seems to me that you need a glass of wine to celebrate!


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## Dechi (Aug 22, 2015)

Ha Ha Ha ! Yes I do, I'll make it up tomorrow and maybe I'll even have two... One for me and one for you guys !


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## Poodlebeguiled (May 27, 2013)

Great! She came in without too much struggle. I'll tell you what I see that might make even more of a difference if you change your body language a little bit. You're bending at the waist toward her. I can't see your face, but am assuming you're looking at her. These things can tell her to stay where she is or they can even be construed as a little threatening _to a dog_. I'd recommend that you stand sideways and upright in relation to her, look completely away...not at her (other than out of the corner of your eye to see if she's coming) and just wait, standing out of her way. If you think your friendly voice helps, then go ahead like you're doing with that. I'd also find something she likes (I don't know what that is) to put down for her once she comes in. Keep up the good work. You sounded perfectly relaxed and happy.


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## Dechi (Aug 22, 2015)

Thanks PB, I'll definitely do that ! I'll try again to give him a treat, too. He won't take it when he's sitting on the carpet, but maybe after, if I throw it at him.


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## Dechi (Aug 22, 2015)

Back to square one. It worked twice but now it's even worse. Before it was only at night, now it's every time that he won't come in.

He's outside now. My daughter's not here and I've been trying to make him come in for 20 minutes and he just won't, no matter what I do.

I gave him more space, sang, spoke softly, spoke firmly, nothing worked.

I think my personality is not fit for him. I don't know how to make this right. I'm lost ! I'll leave him outside for a while, hoping that he'll have enough and come in. It's not cold, just wet. Not raining but snow is melting. Then if he won't come in, I'll have to dress and go catch him, which means I'll make it worse and that it's going to be a nightmare every time from now on.

This is just the biggest pain. I've never been stuck like that before :-(


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## patk (Jun 13, 2013)

can you just leave the door open and go sit at the kitchen table after calling him once?


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## Dechi (Aug 22, 2015)

patk said:


> can you just leave the door open and go sit at the kitchen table after calling him once?


Yes, except it is extremely dirty outside and I trained him to sit on the carpet so I can wipe his feet. If I let him go, I'll have to clean the floors 4 times a day... It's just not practical, he has to learn to enter and sit with confidence.

If I stand farther away, as I did before, he comes in, but when I walk towards him to wipe his feet, he goes back outside. That's why it doesn't work anymore.


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## patk (Jun 13, 2013)

what about buying a strip of outdoor carpet and placing it from the door to much further into the room? or just old towels in the interim and asking him to sit once he gets further in, so you can go around (not at) him and close the door?

does he dislike being wiped down? that may have something to do with it, too. i used to croon to my dog, "okaaay. let's wiiiipe your paws. frooont paws. gooood. baaack paws. ooooh. goooood boy." one thing about crooning is that it makes you slow down.


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## Dechi (Aug 22, 2015)

He came in after being left 20 minutes outside. He just ran to his bed in the living room. So I got him back, put him outside and let him in right away but this time he sat on the carpet.

Then I practiced calling him and making him sit in front of me. We did it about 12 times. First time I had to go get him but after that I practiced a few times with closed doors and then he was fine in an open area.

I'll keep working on his recall, maybe that will save me.


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## Poodlebeguiled (May 27, 2013)

I may have forgotten a post here where there was some reason why you couldn't do a leash, but I don't have time now to go back and look now, so my idea is...why don't you just snap a leash on him to take him out and show him how to cross back over the threshold without being too forceful or anxious. It sounds like you're getting really exasperated and I don't blame you. But I think it's making him more nervous. Dogs are so doggone sensitive to our very blood pressure changes. I swear they are. They know everything and feel everything. If I were in your shoes, I'd snap a leash on him, act rather matter of fact, like it's not a big deal (because something is making him think it's a big issue and I think that's being magnified by your anxiousness) and in a friendly manner coax him out the door, using a little leash pressure if needed or scoop him up and help him through the door, fading that out pretty soon if possible. Use a leash so you don't have to catch him. Be cheerful, give a high value piece of filet minion if he'll go for that. (I know you said he doesn't like food, but...) Just do it and make life easier for yourself. Worry about more training and getting things just right later.


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## Dechi (Aug 22, 2015)

Yes, I am exasperated. And I am sure he senses it. Tonight he started noticing the tv. And it makes him unsure... But that's another topic.

I did the leash thing a lot in the beginning. Like, a lot. I will do it again but now it's so dirty and disgusting outside it's not too appealing to make him come in and out repeatedly.

I just don't know why he's scared of everything. Every time I go near him, he promptly gets up and runs away. He doesn't come to you without cowering and looking left and right. He doesn't walk a straight line, he goes around objects, to makes it harder to get to him, and easier for him to hide. He's really not a " normal " dog when inside the house. Outside, it's quite the contrary. He has a good recall, only wants to follow me and loves, loves going for a walk.

I wonder what they did to him. My guess is someone must have had fun just pretending to kick him when he passed by, or maybe even kicked him. Or had fun scaring him. There had to be something. 

I can work around a lot, but this not coming back inside is just eating at me. It's aggravating me and I just can't hide it from him anymore. And it's just getting worse.

I have a lot of resentment for the people who raised him and did such a lousy job. Really.


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## ericwd9 (Jun 13, 2014)

It sounds very much like he is adverse to the foot washing and is avoiding coming in when you are there to wash his feet. There are certainly other issues but I think this is the one you are both picking up on.
Eric.


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## Dechi (Aug 22, 2015)

ericwd9 said:


> It sounds very much like he is adverse to the foot washing and is avoiding coming in when you are there to wash his feet. There are certainly other issues but I think this is the one you are both picking up on.
> Eric.


It's a good idea, and could be the case. But strangely, when he goes in the front (I don't send him there because he won't do his business if he's tied and I don't like sending him loose), he doesn't mind sitting on the carpet and waiting. And he isn't scared coming inside, it goes a lot better than in the back.

I am looking for the number for the vet behaviorist I wanted to see. I can't find it, I'll call my vet tomorrow, she has it. It's really not a good time financially for me right now but I'll consider it seriously. I don't know what to do anymore.


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## Poodlebeguiled (May 27, 2013)

The thing about fearful dogs (I've actually worked with my share) is that they do not necessarily have a history of abuse. They can be just as fearful and shy as Merlin, afraid of all kinds of things and people and it's often on account of a poor, unstable temperament...what they're born with. And another reason is a lack of exposure during the early, critical socialization period between birth and 12 to 14 to 16 weeks. If the puppy had an impoverished socialization period then, he can grow up being how you describe Merlin. Puppies virtually left alone with very little exposure to anything will turn out this way. The owners might not be abusive but unknowing and perhaps the puppy is treated indifferently...like he doesn't matter. So, don't assume he was hit or kicked or teased. Or am I forgetting something? Did they tell you he was? My memory. Akkk! If you don't know the history for sure, it can be something else. I have found that puppies with in-born, poor temperaments or inadequate socialization are often harder to rehabilitate than those that were mistreated, though that's no picnic either. 

I think it's a very good idea to try a behaviorist for a few sessions. I don't think you would need a long term of sessions necessarily at all. A few pointers and some things to try might be enough to make things a little better. But it might not. I hate to think of the little dog spending his whole life being this fearful and unhappy. I do hope you get some help. This is sounding quite upsetting for you too. Hang in there. You've done amazingly well with him so far. Maybe this is just a speed bump.


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## Dechi (Aug 22, 2015)

Thanks PB. No, I was never told he was abused. So you're right, I can't assume. But why is he so normal outside then (where he had never been before me), he discovered everything having to do with it under my care, and so fearful inside ? My theory is that outside is not associated with bad memories, and inside the house is. Maybe it wasn't the humans mistreated him. He was living with 4 adult, breeding males and many adult females, some of which had to be in heat, probably a good part of the year. He was intact also, but sensitive and vulnerable. Maybe he got beat up by the 4 males because he was competition for their females ?

I sort of dropped him tonight and I feel really bad. He entered and went straight for his bed again and I went to get him, but he made himself so stiff, in such an awkward position that his gravity changed and he fell from my hands. Fortunately he was close to the floor, but still... It made me feel like such a bad person and so bad for him.

I put him to bed after giving him his meds, he loves that, and discovered he had been peeing on his blanky I gave him a few weeks ago. I was testing him and checking the floors everyday, but didn't think he would pee on his blanket... It seems everything is off tonight.

Not a great day...


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## Poodlebeguiled (May 27, 2013)

Awwww Dechi, Awwww Merlin. I'm so sorry you're having such a rotten night. But maybe it's a particularly bad glitch and things will pick up tomorrow or soon. It could be that he was left with all these dogs and not enough humans around. Maybe you're right and he got picked on by the dogs ...and maybe he feels safer out in the open but not enclosed where he feels trapped. Who knows? The important thing is that somehow, there has to be a way for him to get to a point where he trusts you enough, feels sure of you enough that his insecurities dwindle while he gains a little more confidence. I don't know that knowing what happened to him or if something happened to him really changes the course of action. Try to get the behaviorist and go from there. Tomorrow is another day.

As far as the leash, maybe you could use it but just take him out enough times for him to potty and so forth, and forget trying to train him actively for now. Put your boots by the door and a rag for his feet and just go for it. Do the best you can. Gosh, what a hard situation. You have an awful lot of work with this little guy. He's lucky to have you. Try to take some more deep breaths tomorrow morning. Try not to worry about what transpires with him. Just do what needs to be done for his care and see if things will just fall into place. I think your anticipation and anxiousness is really quadrupling your anxiety and his. Give that behaviorist a call and see what she says.


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## seminolewind (Mar 11, 2016)

Is there some way you can kneel next to the door ? If he's at the door he wants to come in, right.?
So can you wait longer than him - you kneeling or sitting on the floor and just wait him out. You can out wait him. Get a glass of wine or something. Eventually he'll come in. And don't speak any louder than a whisper.

If you can try approaching him on hands and knees vs this big human looming over him. Could be you remind him of someone who was mean . He must have been really afraid of someone.

Daughters and kids. I don't know how younger people appear to an animal but they seem to be less of a threat in some way. My old horse had no brakes with me, but when my daughter's best friend got on him,he was like a babysitter and gentle. Who knows?


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## fjm (Jun 4, 2010)

I was thinking about just sitting on the floor near the door, too. It sounds to me as if he picks up on your frustration and exasperation, gets more anxious, and that is driving the pair of you in a negative feedback loop. Something, sometime happened at the back door - perhaps something as simple as you trying to grab him as he came in, and he is now putting together Mum+open back door = DANGER! It doesn't matter whether the conclusion is logical or rational - dogs aren't logical, rational beings. I think that you have recognised the underlying problem, and now need to find ways of achieving the zen-like internal calm that will bring calm to Merlin too.


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## Poodlebeguiled (May 27, 2013)

> I think that you have recognised the underlying problem, and now need to find ways of achieving the zen-like internal calm that will bring calm to Merlin too.


:hippie::canabis::couch2::drink::act-up:


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## Dechi (Aug 22, 2015)

Thanks again. You have some good points are you are right in what you are saying. I know I have to change something inme. The reason why I am trying so hard to understand why he is like that is to help me fix it. Changing yourself when you're 48 is more difficult than changing a 2 year old dog. 

This is the most challenging dog I've had in my life. Maybe for someone else it would be a breeze. I guess it hurts that he doesn't trust me.

Thanks for your support and also for not judging me. It helps a lot.


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## lily cd re (Jul 23, 2012)

Dechi since you don't know what life was really like for Merlin before you got him you shouldn't take his nervousness as indicating you are doing wrong/bad things. You are clearly a very knowledgeable dog owner (who needs to chill). As I think I may have said somewhere else I think it is not at all uncommon for rescued dogs to take a year (or even longer) to adjust to their new homes and to learn to let go of their fears and insecurities.

Change yourself some, yes. Blame yourself for how Merlin behaves, no.


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## Dechi (Aug 22, 2015)

Thanks Lily !

I got an appointment for him with the behaviorist vet on april 20th at 16:15. This should help me relax, because it should give me tools to work with.

I also got an appointment with our regular vet on tuesay, so he can have his full shots before we start going for walks in the woods. Winter will be behind us soon and with the snow melting, it feels nice to walk outside. He will also have his anal glands emptied, I was hoping not to have to, but he's been rubbing his butt for a good while.

I will write a separate post on our visit with the behaviorist vet. Until then I will work on chilling, as Lily said, lol !


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## Poodlebeguiled (May 27, 2013)

I think you're incredibly brave to take this on. It's not something I would want to do. I don't have the patience. I can help other people but on a full time basis to do what you do...uh-uh. It takes some real grit to work day in and day out with this poor little fella. You might be able to work on gathering up even more patience and figure out a way to be more calm. (I was just kidding about those pictures btw) But he's the way he is and it can take a very long time to see a significant change...or you may never see a significant change in him. I just hope he gets some pleasure out of life because to think of a dog spending years and years on end feeling terrified and miserable is more than I can take. Unless...he's not really terrified but something off with his nervous system or something. I don't really know what I'm saying or thinking but there's some little funny thing in the back of my mind. Anyhow, I wish there were something more to do. What about some kind of anti-anxiety pill. Did we already talk about that?

eta; just saw your recent post. Hey, you sound like you have a plan...a goal. This is good.


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## Dechi (Aug 22, 2015)

Poodlebeguiled said:


> I think you're incredibly brave to take this on. It's not something I would want to do. I don't have the patience. I can help other people but on a full time basis to do what you do...uh-uh. It takes some real grit to work day in and day out with this poor little fella. You might be able to work on gathering up even more patience and figure out a way to be more calm. (I was just kidding about those pictures btw) But he's the way he is and it can take a very long time to see a significant change...or you may never see a significant change in him. I just hope he gets some pleasure out of life because to think of a dog spending years and years on end feeling terrified and miserable is more than I can take. Unless...he's not really terrified but something off with his nervous system or something. I don't really know what I'm saying or thinking but there's some little funny thing in the back of my mind. Anyhow, I wish there were something more to do. What about some kind of anti-anxiety pill. Did we already talk about that?
> 
> eta; just saw your recent post. Hey, you sound like you have a plan...a goal. This is good.


What pictures PB ?

Merlin is taking clomical, an anti-anxiety pill, 1 1/2 tablets per day. We'll see if the vet wants to change it or not. Unless you were talking about me taking pills, ha ha ha ! No pills for me !


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## fjm (Jun 4, 2010)

They say that we often get the dog we need, rather than the dog we want - Merlin may be the one to help you to a different, more relaxed way of living.


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## lily cd re (Jul 23, 2012)

fjm said:


> They say that we often get the dog we need, rather than the dog we want - Merlin may be the one to help you to a different, more relaxed way of living.


fjm, that's exactly how I feel about the relationship I have with Lily. She is far from an easy dog to live with (good performance dogs often are not easy house dogs). I often think that she would have been one of those teenage dogs that gets re-homed had she gone to a pet home. She is not a couch potato.


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## fjm (Jun 4, 2010)

Well, I chose Papillons as a toy breed not needing much exercise - Sophy's idea of "not much" is an absolute minimum of three miles of varied cross country walking every day! I am probably fitter now than at any point in the last 30 years...


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## Poodlebeguiled (May 27, 2013)

Dechi said:


> What pictures PB ?
> 
> Merlin is taking clomical, an anti-anxiety pill, 1 1/2 tablets per day. We'll see if the vet wants to change it or not. Unless you were talking about me taking pills, ha ha ha ! No pills for me !


The gifs on the previous page, post #45. 

I forgot about the clomical Merlin was taking. No, I didn't mean you taking pills. I hate drugs unless they're absolutely necessary. I'd sooner have a double martini than prescription drugs. LOL. Of course, you can't get too wasted or you won't know if Merlin is coming or going. haha. You'll be okay. You're having a little slump. I think Fjm is absolutely right. My Doberman, as a puppy was seriously a lot of work. He was so energetic, you just can't imagine. It makes raising my two toy Poodle puppies look like a walk in the park. Once he got to be about 2, he started getting more on an even keel and turned into a phenomenally wonderful dog. But he is the one who taught me to have more patience and better training skills because I had to learn to be more creative and not so run of the mill. He was the one who got me so interested in hiking. I never hiked that much or often before. And yeah...all the dogs and I got into the best shape ever. And that continues today...Love to walk/hike with my dogs. 

So, Merin will likely teach you things that you may not recognize just now, but will later one. I'm pretty darn sure of it. Hang in there. You're doing fine.


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## seminolewind (Mar 11, 2016)

Dechi, when you discontinue clomical, be sure to wean him very slowly off.


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## Dechi (Aug 22, 2015)

seminolewind said:


> Dechi, when you discontinue clomical, be sure to wean him very slowly off.


Yes, this is part of the plan, thanks !


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## Dechi (Aug 22, 2015)

Interesting fact : when my daughter got home, it was time to let the dogs out after dinner so I asked her to let him in. I wanted to see if she would have trouble like me.

And she did... She asked me what I had done to him, but the answer is nothing! So it's not just me ! It made me feel better, although it complicates things.


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## Streetcar (Apr 13, 2014)

Hugs to you, Dechi. When you're at the vet, I really think it could be good to have Merlin's eyes checked. Not diagnosing, just wondering since it always seems to happen in the evening, unless I'm misunderstanding.


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## Dechi (Aug 22, 2015)

Streetcar said:


> Hugs to you, Dechi. When you're at the vet, I really think it could be good to have Merlin's eyes checked. Not diagnosing, just wondering since it always seems to happen in the evening, unless I'm misunderstanding.


Thanks Streetcar, I always wanted to do this but I forgot... I'll ask on tuesday with the regular vet, and I'll ask the behaviorist vet in april too.


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## seminolewind (Mar 11, 2016)

Good idea!


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