# Can you stop loving one of your dogs?



## Sayde (Sep 28, 2015)

I applaud you k for being so candid and open. I felt sad reading your post. But I also felt connected to you because something similar happened here. Not exactly but similar.

We had two Lowchen. Teddy was the first. We got him primarily because my son really wanted a dog. Well he and my son never really bonded. I spent a great deal of time with Teddy when he was a puppy as my hours were much more flexible and I was able to do a lot of work from home. Teddy was a sweet dog, seemed happy enough, was agreeable to everyone in the family and friendly to dogs we met walking. No problems. Then three years later we got Ellie, from the same breeders, and she happened to have the same sire (but later litter of course) and a different mother. She turned out to be totally different in appearance and personality. She had so much more vitality. She was clearly alpha, and she could be naughty. We had trained Teddy to do basic things, like sit and down. We would give the commands and Ellie would glance at Teddy and she would execute with more energy and speed -- 
i swear she was trying to outdo him. On walks she would manage him, making sure he didn't walk too far out. She was a really a b***h to him. Occasionally when he had enough he would snarl and put her in her place. They never fought -- they worked it out. But after Ellie was on the scene, Teddy no longer seemed happy. He really didn't seem to take delight in anything in the house. He was happiest on walks. Teddy was a nicer dog. But Ellie was just so alive! so engaged! and Ellie decided I was her person. Teddy seemed to prefer my husband but in truth he wasn't actually that bonded to anyone. He liked being held but he would not seek you out.

I always felt that we wrecked Teddy's (somewhat low key) happiness when we brought Ellie into the family. They never really fought but they never seemed to particularly care about each other, except when Ellie decided she needed to "manage" Teddy.

Ellie decided I was hers, and I became hers. So I guess she managed me too!

If we had never gotten her I would never have perceived how joyful dogs can be, how naughty. (she once climbed up on the table and gobbled down a bowl of curried chicken salad. Not so much as a burp! She was extremely food motivated) Nor would have known how bonded a dog could be. (she would always sit with me in my chair when I was reading or sit on her pad or at my feet in my studio when I was painting.)

I most likely would not be hoping for a new dog now if it had not been for Ellie. And yet next time I want one that is affectionate but definitely not as much to handle as Ellie. (Of course it would have helped if we had trained her better. Talk about small dog syndrome!)

You cannot always predict what the personalities and interactions are going to be like. When we got Ellie as a puppy she was just a cute little fur ball. This time I will be more careful (which is why I keep asking this forum all these questions about getting the "right" temperament). And yet --- Ellie was my girl, and I loved her. (She is still with us, but not "still Ellie.")

I think it's challenging to have more than one dog. So much you cannot predict.


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## lily cd re (Jul 23, 2012)

At various times I love all of my dogs to pieces and at other times can't stand any of them. I think relationships are always dynamic.

It does require special time and effort to have a multidog household. I just posted to your other thread too, but you seem to need to talk more about this other part of your concerns so I will address some of those multidog questions here.

Adding my puppy was a very hard thing for me to do. I was very worried that it would upset the balance of our fur family to do so. I would have returned him to the breeder without reservation if I had a read that it was really going to ruin things for either of my older dogs. It did take Lily about 2 1/2 months to decide she actually likes the puppy. At first she tried to pretend he didn't really exist and then she acted indifferent. She and Peeves have never given him anything more than appropriate social corrections.

I understand that each dog is unique and that the relationship I have with each of them is unique. I don't view any of them as favorite over the others if I can avoid it. Lily is my favorite girl. Peeves is my favorite GSD. Javelin is my favorite baby dog. In other words I try to make a special niche for each of them. I also make sure I spend a few quiet minutes with each of them separately everyday. I make sure that when I do things with more than one, that if at all possible all three of them are included.

If both you and your husband share a lack of feeling for the older dog, then I suppose you could think about rehoming him. I don't think you are terrible in any way. You've actually been brave to be so candid, but since you are clearly willing to be very honest about the dynamics of your relationships with these dogs then I hope you don't think it is out of line to suggest rehoming.


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## TrixieTreasure (May 24, 2015)

There's nothing wrong with the way you feel. I think owners can be partial to one dog more than the other, and still love both dogs. Between Trina and Kaydee, Kaydee and I were very close and bonded together, whereas, Trina was more my husband's dog. Kaydee would sleep next to me, having to always be touching me, and Trina needed her space and liked being alone. Plus, my husband was the one who gave Trina her meds 3 times daily for seizures, and that helped bond them together. Yet, I loved them both equally. It was just that Kaydee and I were always together more, and therefore, the love felt more real.

It IS important that either you or your husband pay a lot of attention to Mochi, and maybe sometimes just do things with Mochi and leave Zuki at home. That will help you both bond a little more to Mochi. But please know, there's definitely nothing wrong with the way you feel.


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## TrixieTreasure (May 24, 2015)

Sorry, I never did answer your direct question...

I don't think owners can truly stop loving one of their dogs. The love IS there, but if there are behavioral problems with the one dog, it's normal for the owner to give more love ( and feel more love) to the other dog in the family. There's nothing wrong with that. Again, my suggestion is to maybe do things with Mochi and leave Zuki at home, so that you can have more bonding time with Mochi.


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## Poodlebeguiled (May 27, 2013)

TrixieTreasure said:


> There's nothing wrong with the way you feel. I think owners can be partial to one dog more than the other, and still love both dogs. Between Trina and Kaydee, Kaydee and I were very close and bonded together, whereas, Trina was more my husband's dog. Kaydee would sleep next to me, having to always be touching me, and Trina needed her space and liked being alone. Plus, my husband was the one who gave Trina her meds 3 times daily for seizures, and that helped bond them together. Yet, I loved them both equally. It was just that Kaydee and I were always together more, and therefore, the love felt more real.
> 
> *It IS important that either you or your husband pay a lot of attention to Mochi, and maybe sometimes just do things with Mochi and leave Zuki at home. * That will help you both bond a little more to Mochi. But please know, there's definitely nothing wrong with the way you feel.


I was just thinking the same thing when I was scrolling down reading. I have had multiple dog households for a good deal of my adult life. And I must say I have not felt like I didn't love any one of my dogs. I have been annoyed with one or the other from time to time and there are still days like that occasionally. 

I don't love one of my 3 dogs more than the other, just like it was with my human children. They're so different that I love different things about each and have that heart felt bond with each. 

This time around, with my two Poodle puppies that I raised at the same time, I found that when I was showing Matisse and running off to class and shows, it came to be that I was probably a little more bonded or attached to him. Plus, Maurice, the other little guy was just not as in your face responsive as Matisse when he was young. He was kind of weird. But I just stayed with it and started doing more fun stuff with just Maurice...not only walks separately...have always done that. But special things; taking him to class, going to an extra special day trip, more outings to stores with just him. Spending more time cuddling him, even though Matisse was the pushier one that way. And guess what....Maurice and I connected big time. I have always liked the little fella...he's really adorable. And you know...they're so innocent. But I came to have a much tighter bond with him and he's come out more to be so much more interested and responsive to me. He was rather a subtle little fella when he was a puppy and he's somewhat that way now but he really makes his presence known in a bigger way than he use to. He's just not as boisterous as Matisse.

So, I think focusing on the one you don't feel as attached to, signing up for a class of some sort with him, spending some quality one on one with him apart from the other one might cause some changes in your perception. 

If there's some behavior that you don't fine attractive and that's getting on your nerves and making you feel irritated or not as attracted to him, then that can be straightened out. 

You can't help your feelings. They're just feelings. You might be able to change how you feel and if you can't, then there's always re-homing but your husband seems to love him. So be sure to give him _plenty_ of training time (that's a_ real _bond builder) and cuddles. I betcha anything, you'll re-connect.


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## Indiana (Sep 11, 2011)

I love all my dogs in varying degrees and for different reasons. Could I STOP loving them? Hmm, hasn't happened yet. But sometimes I get annoyed for a while over some behaviour, like when they were fighting earlier this year. I was wracking my brain, what will I do? I asked for help on here, I read a lot...I just refused to keep them separated and live like that. However, I tried out various things and we now have no fighting, so yay! Something worked! Indy is my heart dog, but Maddy is such a lovable little scamp! She's incorrigible! I just love that naughty little thing. My Bostons are comical and cuddly...I love that about them. However, if you don't feel a bond it's sad for everyone. Maybe there is a family out there who would just love the dog you don't feel bonded with. I don't think a person should grit their teeth and stay with a husband and Work. Every. Day. At. Staying. Married!!! I also don't think you should stay with a dog you don't love. It's not a crime to find a good home that can feel for your dog what you can't.


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## Poodlebeguiled (May 27, 2013)

I agree Indiana about not staying with a husband when something is just terribly wrong and can't be fixed. I feel the same way about a dog. However, I do think that a few things might be tried to see if it will work with some adjustments.. because I'd be afraid I might miss something. What _IF_...after some trying with some extra involvement with the dog, a super wonderful bond develops? I think it it's very possible. But of course, not that one sticks with it for so long that everyone is missing out on happiness and is in fact miserable. For sure not that. Or maybe put a time limit on it? If this doesn't feel right after ___________ (fill in the blank)...the dog needs a new home. (?)


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## Critterluvr (Jul 28, 2014)

There is nothing wrong with having a favorite, you are not weird or a terrible person for it....as a matter of fact this is totally normal and certainly don't feel guilty about it.
I also do believe that you can stop loving a dog, or maybe you thought you loved the dog but didn't really realize that once your new dog came along (who you did love and bond with) that the bond really wasn't that special after all.

Regardless, it is what it is. It sounds like you are still providing Mochi with a good home and it also sounds like your husband is attached to Mochi so why not keep him? In all honestly he will not know that you "love" Zuki more..... 
just let him be who he is and continue to enjoy that special bond you have with Zuki!


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## Dechi (Aug 22, 2015)

I agree with Critterluvr. Mochi doesn't really know you have a favorite. It is very human to prefer a dog's personality over another, just like there are people we appreciate more than others. I love both my dogs and could not stand anything happening to either of them. But although I've had Merlin for only 2 months, I feel closer to him than to my almost 11 year old Chihuahua. Merlin has a lot more time with me than my Chi, but my Chi is more my daughter's dog and she gets plenty of time with her. So both are happy as they are.

If Mochi gets more time with your husband, than it's fine. They don't have to have everything equal all the time. They won't mind if everything balances out.

Personnally, unless your dog is neglected, I wouldn't rehome him at 6 years old. He has his ways, you're his family, and he knows that place in the family.


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## Mfmst (Jun 18, 2014)

I like Lily CD's niche idea. They are two completely different breeds. Let's be honest here, which breed of dog is smarter and more interactive? If I had had my dear, dim, aloof Scottie who smelled like stale biscuits and Buck together, I am certain I would be having the same thoughts from time to time. And some days, the Scottie would win for being charming and less demanding. I know you love your other dog too, but a Poodle's are kinda unfair competition


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## My babies (Aug 14, 2012)

Dechi said:


> I agree with Critterluvr. Mochi doesn't really know you have a favorite.
> 
> Personnally, unless your dog is neglected, I wouldn't rehome him at 6 years old. He has his ways, you're his family, and he knows that place in the family.


I can't agree more with Dechi. It will be so sad for him to be rehomed after 6 years. You are his family. Unless you really can't provide for him anymore then personally I would keep him.


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## nifty (Aug 2, 2013)

I think your feelings sound normal and very human. I sense that you are a bit worried that maybe Mochi can tell how you feel. Is that the source of your pain and sadness? If so, I hope you can let yourself accept the truth that dogs do not have the same kinds of needs that humans have. They do need love and gentle respectful care, of course. But, unlike humans, they do not seem to notice or care or compare how much they are loved in comparison to a canine sibling. What matter to a dog is whether or not his specific needs are being met. It sounds like Mochi is quite content with things as they are.

I agree 100% with Lily Cd Re -- it might be helpful to think of Mochi as your favorite bichon and Zuki as your favorite poodle.


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## ericwd9 (Jun 13, 2014)

*Favorites*

Humans are complex and individual. Dogs are more simple but also can be very individual. It is a normal human habit to have favorites. Sometimes this is benign, sometimes it can cause family problems. Everyone knows someone who has a favored child. Often this is not a problem. Sometimes the favored child becomes a monster. Humans and dogs bond together and with each other. These bonds can be so strong as to be unhealthy. I know of a number of mothers who have bonded so strongly with one child, that they have ruined the lives of their children. The "spoiled" child spends it's life thinking it's privileged and special. The other children if present feel they are inferior. This is for parent and child. A handler and their dog can bond just as strongly and other relationships can suffer. It is not rare. It is normal for normal humans. Both dogs and humans crave a close bond. If your bond with your other dog and your partner are not as strong as the bond with your favored dog. Your partner will be the most affected. The disaffected dog will will adapt and fit in where he/she can. Not so a disaffected partner or child, who is human and more easily hurt. Talk to your partner if he sees no problem then there is none. Then enjoy your close relationship with your bonded dog. The other dog will adapt and find his/her place. (they are good at that, not like humans)
Eric.:angel2:


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## TrixieTreasure (May 24, 2015)

Dechi said:


> I agree with Critterluvr.
> 
> 
> Personnally, unless your dog is neglected, I wouldn't rehome him at 6 years old. He has his ways, you're his family, and he knows that place in the family.



I totally agree. Someone earlier suggested about a possible rehoming, and I don't think that would be a good thing to do. My personal belief is, a pet is for life. Through the good times and the bad times. There are exceptions of course that I would understand, such as if the dog is a biter and there are children in the family, and the dog has to be rehomed because of that. Otherwise, no.


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## Poodlebeguiled (May 27, 2013)

TrixieTreasure said:


> I totally agree. Someone earlier suggested about a possible rehoming, and I don't think that would be a good thing to do. My personal belief is, a pet is for life. Through the good times and the bad times. There are exceptions of course that I would understand, such as if the dog is a biter and there are children in the family, and the dog has to be rehomed because of that. Otherwise, no.



I agree as long as neither party (human or dog) is unhappy because what good does it do to stay together if whatever the issue can not be resolved? We all see people giving up on dogs because they're going to have a baby or the cute puppy isn't a puppy anymore so they want to get rid of the dog and get a new puppy. Or they're going on vacation and decided a dog was a mistake and is inconvenient. There are all kinds of reasons people get rid of dogs and I find some of those reasons despicable. Didn't they know they were planning to have a family? Didn't they think about that before committing to a dog? 

I think if a solution can be found, it ought to be tried before giving up on a dog and re-homing him. But if it can't and love and attention isn't adequate, naturally, the dog should be re-homed. OR if the human is just very unhappy and can't make things work, it would be better for both to find a new home. 

I don't believe on giving up at the first sign of trouble. But rather to try some things first.


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## Reiko (Mar 9, 2013)

*Thank you*

I really appreciate everyone taking the time to read my original posting and offering feedback, sharing your own stories. I am comforted by your support. I don't have many friends or family that is in my similar or same position, so I don't sense that they do or would understand (which is why I decided to turn to you guys/this forum). I'm glad I did. (Well, I do have one friend who once had 4 in-house cats concurrently, and who was able to relate/understand/empathize.)

I remember when I first entertained the idea of getting a second dog (MPoo Zuki), that the worry about a change in dynamics between myself and Mochi (Bichon) crossed my mind. But my desire to find a friend for Mochi overpowered my concerns. And I noticed almost immediately that the relationship between Moche and me changed with the arrival of Zuki.

I was intrigued with the suggestion of having a special niche for each of the dogs. For the past day or two, I've tried the technique of saying to Zuki, "Hello my favorite baby bear!" (since he's younger and I can't deny that he's my favorite), and then to Mochi, "Hello my favorite Bichon!". That felt/feels positive, honest, and inclusive.

Not long ago, I had told my husband that I enjoyed or preferred to walk each of the dogs separately. I feel somehow less stress, less distracted, and able to focus on communicating/training/bonding with each a lot more. Previously he thought that I was being weird, that I was trying to favor one dog more than the other to receive walks, or neglecting the other dog, or something. So I've been walking them together. I noticed that I walk them less now than when I used to walk Mochi as the only dog in the house. I have been enjoying the walks less. But after I shared with the husband your suggestions of doing things separately with each of them, and reminding him of my desire to walk them separately, it made more sense to him. This weekend I started to walk them separately again, and I am certainly happier, more relaxed, less anxious or stressed.

I agree that at his age (6), it seems worse/suboptimal to be rehoming Mochi. Maybe if he was only a year old it wouldn't feel as bad.

After considerable thought, I have been comfortably leaning more towards just having him stay with us, at least for now. It is not as if he's a drain on my financial resources, or we have no space, or he's aggressive constantly and attacking Zuki. He is a nice dog, and at times he does annoy me, but he is a member of our family. As my husband says to me, we have to take care of him. Concurrently, as someone mentioned, I will enjoy my special bond with Zuki and know now that I don't need to feel guilty/confused/strange about it. Maybe, as someone suggested, if I still feel strange/uncomfortable/unhappy about my relationship (or lack thereof) with Moche in 6 months to a year, I could revisit the idea of rehoming him.


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## lily cd re (Jul 23, 2012)

I am glad you found useful ideas in all of those suggestions. I hope you find a way to enjoy both your boys with joy in your heart and theirs. It sounds like you have taken some good steps.


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## Poodlebeguiled (May 27, 2013)

Sometimes I walk all three of mine together or the two Poodles together and then separately for Jose`. But I walk them each separately too most every day. It is soooo very important to me to spend time with each one separately. (Right now as I type, I have a little black smidgen of a Poodle on the table where my computer is, right in front of me with his chin on one forearm. lol.) It increases our bond and gives me time to work with each. I just had Matisse outside after grooming him and we spent some time on something I'm working on with him. He had extra fun today because tomorrow he's having surgery and won't get to have fun for quite a while...will have to be quiet. So, he got extra walks and training fun time. 

When the Poodles were puppies, they had most of their walks separate. It's only been more recent that I've piled them all together for some of our walks. So, don't give up those special one on one times with each dog. I told you how Maurice was a little weirdo when he was young...sort of off in lala land and just not quite connecting 100% with me. When I started spending more one on one with him, doing some special things with just him, things changed 180 degrees for the better. I encourage you to take a class and do some other special things with Mochi. I know I said that before. But I'll say it again. LOL. I think your decision is good at any rate. I just want you to be happier with both your dumplings.


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## Coldbrew (Jun 17, 2015)

Seperate walks and time with each dog have been great in our two-puppy household, and I'm glad it seems to be working with yours as well.

When I'm with both dogs I can tell that I prefer Jasper (who is sweet, affectionate, and cuddly) to Piper (excitable, playful, and energetic), but when I'm alone with them it's easier to appreciate their personalities. 

Alone time with each dog, perhaps especially Mochi, might remind you how much you do love him and why you picked him to be your first dog. Perhaps he (and you) might enjoy taking classes together with a local dog trainer. You can work on your bond with each other as well as have fun and learn new things!


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