# How to train humans?



## myfirstpoodle (May 25, 2021)

Has anyone ever had someone (family, friend) suggest you weren't training your dog properly... and insist you use methods you know are fundamentally wrong (punishing) or just not effective (saying "no" without any explanation of what to do instead)?

We have been receiving some "suggestions" from my in-laws about how to go about raising Theo. He is an anxious puppy... he reacts to everything and everyone but we are working on it e.g., environment management, starting medication, behavioural training, etc. It seems our in-laws think we're being too sensitive and just need to give him a loud, "NO!" every time he does anything unwanted (like reactive barking). But, I know this will absolutely not work. I know that he is barking because he is afraid and us yelling NO will only reinforce his fear. Yet, it seems they just don't understand.

Similarly, Theo is 5 months old. He is fully potty trained and will not poop/pee anywhere but outside on some grass (yay!). However, when he is excited he will dribble. This is normal for a young puppy, and is going to get better with age. But, my in-laws, again are adamant that he needs a loud "NO!" every time he loses control of his bladder. They got into a debate with me suggesting that after he's peed I need to point to the pee and yell "NO!" But, I know that this will do nothing. He does not know what they're yelling about, nor does he realize he did anything wrong because he was just acting excited -- he did not make the choice to pee, so I cannot correct anything. I suggested that instead, they act more boring so he does not get so worked up that he pees. They refused and said it's our fault he excitedly pees because we're not doing anything to "fix" him.

We've been working with positive reinforcement schools and a behaviourist. We are confident we're approaching his training correctly. It just feels like I have to not only train my dog but also train humans to leave my dog alone.

Does anyone have any suggestions for handling things like this?


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## Starla (Nov 5, 2020)

Ditch the in-laws. 😉

but for real, I don’t care if they are older, just like with my kids, the dog is MINE. You do you, but you’re not allowed to disrespect me, my kids, or my pets by (insert behavior). Yelling no at my kids would make me turn around and leave, as would yelling no at my dogs. 🤷‍♀️

that said, we’re going to my in-laws this weekend, and I do hope they behave!


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## cowpony (Dec 30, 2009)

Ugh. I hate it when pushy people don't back off.

Really it's a matter of establishing boundaries and insisting on respect for the decisions you make on behalf of your family. You are the mama bear. Get your husband on board and insist he back you up so you can present a unified front to the in-laws. The dog training is probably just one of many issues where they think they know best and will try to overstep. How would you handle it if you were pregnant and they kept trying to get you to drink a little wine with dinner? If you had a child with a bedwetting problem, and they insisted on spanking the child instead of following the pediatrician's advice? If you had a kid with a severe dairy allergies, and they kept carelessly swapping serving spoons between dishes and then criticizing you for not letting the kid eat rice served with the spoon that had previously been in the buttered mashed potatoes?


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## Dianaleez (Dec 14, 2019)

"Yes, I do understand everything you've said, but we've decided on a different approach."
Then get up and move anywhere that will end the conversation. 

Say No then Leave the area.


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## curlflooffan (Mar 27, 2020)

You take a rolled up newspaper and hit them on the nose and say "bad human!"


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## I_love_dogs (May 30, 2021)

I think the approach depends on the relationship you and your spouse have with your in-laws. If they are normally nice people you get along with, I think the approach Dianaleez recommended would work. If they are normally hyper critical and try to impose their opinions of how to do things, then you may have to limit contact with them.


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## Misteline (Mar 10, 2019)

"I appreciate the good intentions I'm sure you're giving your advice with, but this is our dog and we need to raise it our way. I'm sure you can respect that. If you cannot follow our training protocol, then that will unfortunately limit the time we can spend with you during this crucial period."

Or something around those lines. Calmly and politely set boundaries, and state the natural effects of violating them. Repeat as necessary, but don't feel the need to argue, debate, or convince. You've already tried to talk it out. They'll discover you're right from the results, or they won't. If these incidents happen in their space then you may need to limit, or even eliminate, the time Theo spends in their space. If you share a space this might be more difficult, but still not impossible.


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## Sarah Poo (Oct 25, 2020)

Yes, it happened with my in-laws too. They have a 'pack leader/dominance' approach, I do not. When I receive comments, I tell them I understand their point of view but remind them that there is more than one school of thought about raising a puppy. What worked for them is not necessarily what will work for everyone. Every puppy is different with different needs.


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## Brownie_mom (Dec 1, 2020)

One more method that may work (i used it many times in different situations) is to respond like 'yes, you may be right and I will think about it'. This may help with not escalating the relationship with your in-laws to the bad level. It may be more difficult later on to fix a bad situation, perhaps easier to just avoid it.


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## Bailey_Whiskey (Jan 18, 2021)

My dad has a different idea when it comes to raising puppies, I have been undoing what he's taught (eg resource guarding because no he cannot "trade" it needs to be out of his mouth this instant, excited jumping because it was cute when Whiskey was half the weight he is now).

Mostly I suck it up and do it his way in front of him, just so that I still maintain the relationship with Daddy (it is technically HIS dog). But I do train Whiskey my way when Dad is not around. The only bad part is, Whiskey shows all the bad habits (jumping, snatching food, very rough play) in front of Dad, which I then get scolded for, until I remind Dad that he taught me how to raise Whiskey.
Not the ideal way to deal with the issue, but it's easier that fighting my dad..


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## myfirstpoodle (May 25, 2021)

The toughest thing for a young pup is trying to understand how he should behave if his feedback is inconsistent. If I do not engage when he jumps up, but my family does (by either scolding or laughing it off) then he will never learn. 

It's tough while we live with the in-laws since they've been complaining about behaviours but are not following through on our instructions (probably because they think we're wrong, and what really should be done is yelling louder and/or hitting, which they would not dare or otherwise I would unleash a new hell).

Thank you for all of your feedback. I totally agree with most of what everyone has said -- having clear boundaries is key. Figuring out a good way to diffuse the tension while still being firm. If only I had refined these skills beforehand! 

I just hope that puppy is flexible enough to unlearn these bad habits when we are finished with our temporary stay here.


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## Pasion (Jul 31, 2021)

Try recommending this book to "know-it-alls". People need as much training as their pets because both are experiencing something new. The book is, "Let Dogs Be Dogs”. Definitely helps people understand that both parties need the training. hope it helps.

[_Link removed by moderator. -PTP_]


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## curlflooffan (Mar 27, 2020)

I think I definitely have been guilty of doing what your inlaws do. My main victim has been my own mother haha. But in my defence I am always right!

You have to decide what your goal is. Do you want them to just stop talking about this to you? Then ignore them politely, divert the conversation away from the topic of dogs and training, hopefully overtime the topic simply becomes so boring that it isn't brought up much anymore. The more you challenge them, the more engaging the topic becomes and the more it is brought up. Another strategy is to simply lie. The more you challenge a persons long held and strong belief the more they will hold on to it. Instead of saying 'you are wrong' say 'oh well that worked on your dogs because they weren't poodles! Poodles are so sensitive, they will literally crumble into dust if one raises a voice to them'. This exaggeration might work better because you are acknowledging their experience and knowledge while adding your own (although a bit inaccurate) on top rather than dismissing their opinion entirely. Bypassing the human part in us that feels threatened when our convictions are challenged.

If you want to lure them over to your side of training style then I would take a similar approach. Don't go, 'you are wrong and I am right and here is the evidence to back that up.' If that truly worked humanity wouldn't be facing the troubles it is facing now. Acknowledge their opinions and knowledge and then add on to them. Such as 'punishment works but the risk is that the dog won't associate it with the right thing, especially if the timing is wrong. If the same thing happens when training with rewards it is much easier to fix.' Again these are not training suggestions, but rather conversational suggestions!

Anyway, these are just some of the strategies I have developed living with an invisible disability. The number of times that I have said 'I can't do X because of my disability' and have been met with 'of course you can do X' is infuriating... I will happily stand by my limits and rights when I have to but I have also learned that if I want to get someone to stop doing something like that or not give me unsolicited advice (if someone suggests yoga one more time...) quickly and without drama, doing so in a way which doesn't challenge their beliefs is the quickest and safest way.

I will also without any shame lie in those situations. If someone needs to think that I have a twisted ankle to not force me in a situation that is dangerous for me because of my lack of balance then so be it. Same if someone needs to think that my dogs psyche is made out of porcelain so they don't shout or hit them then thats what I will do.


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