# Learning to be alone



## Rian (Sep 17, 2021)

We've successfully left her alone a handful of times--some longer, some shorter--the longest time being about 3 hours to go to a concert (first one since covid, whoo!). Fortunately, she was 'post-puppy class super-tired' and we left after her bedtime so she slept the entire time. So happy!

However, a few days ago, we made a quick grocery store trip (25ish minutes) and I watched her on the camera: she cried the entire time, pacing back and forth in the kitchen, transitioning between screaming howls to just straight up barking. It's probably my fault for not really keeping up with practicing much alone time. I work from home and suck at not letting her sleep on my feet. Some days I have more self control than others 

Anyway, I'm now trying to practice leaving in short bursts quite often, I read up on all the threads I could find on here about this sort of thing and I'm trying not to jump to the end by neglecting the leaving for a few seconds and popping back in, then back out, repeat repeat repeat.

I watched a couple of videos about helping dogs get used to the 'leaving cues' and I wanted to run my routine by you all to ask a few questions:
1. Place puppy in X-Pen with her favorite treats hidden in her bedding, my version of a snuffle mat.
2. Directly walk out the door, no excitement about it, just a "goodbye, love you!".
3. She can see the door from her X-Pen (it's not a see-through door though), and I take a lap around the courtyard for random durations. Sometimes I'm gone for 2 seconds, sometimes I'm gone for 60.
4. Return during a lull in the crying, treat and kiss. Repeat.

I do this until I can close the door and stay outside for however long I please with no crying. Usually takes about 6 - 10 exits. Then I give her a break cause I'm sure it's pretty stressful.

A few questions:
Our door has a keypad that plays a little jingle every time it locks. Should I INCLUDE the song in the training or should I try to avoid associating the song with the leaving? I ask cause I used to house sit a couple dogs that would HOWL the moment they heard the locking noise. It's probably inevitable she'll make the connection but figured I'd ask.

How often should I leave her alone to properly get her used to this without unnecessary stress / trauma? She has started adding incessant barking to the crying and I want to nip this in the bud so she doesn't have this awful anxiety when I'm gone.

Is there any chance this is also just part of young puppyhood, not necessarily a sign of budding separation anxiety, and she'll grow out of it to a certain extent--given consistent practice?

I imagine it's a good idea to limit the foot-sleeping and give her scheduled time away from me in her pen while I'm at home, as well.


Thank you all for reading this and for all the help. Here's a photo from this morning, had to capture the rainbow on her head. I love this amazing dog more and more every day!

Edit: Forgot to include her age, she's 18 weeks today.


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## Starla (Nov 5, 2020)

I would lock the door each time.

My dog who had separation anxiety did a million times better when not shut into her crate, though she loved her crate. 🤷‍♀️

A tip: I don’t tell my dogs (or anybody else’s dogs!) hello or goodbye. I don’t want them to worry about me leaving. I also want to be able to walk into my home, wash my hands, go to the bathroom, whatever without tripping on a dog. My comings and goings are non-events. My in-laws think it makes me cold, and I see where they’re coming from, but I don’t think it’s cold at all, just a practicality.

what a lovely rainbow head picture!!


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## Rian (Sep 17, 2021)

Starla said:


> I would lock the door each time.
> 
> My dog who had separation anxiety did a million times better when not shut into her crate, though she loved her crate. 🤷‍♀️
> 
> ...


Interesting! Thank you for the tip. I'll test that out and see if a little more freedom helps ease the worry. Earlier she came in from going potty (all by herself, might I add) and missed me standing next to the door. Figured it was a good opportunity to see what she'd do when she couldn't find me, so I ducked behind the couch. She sniffed around for a minute or two then started doing short little whine grunts before she finally figured out where I was. She was really proud of herself when she found me. Thank you again!!


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## 94Magna_Tom (Feb 23, 2021)

When he was only 4-5 months old, Elroy would fuss and whine and bark and cry when I put him in his crate. I hired a behaviorist to help get him to tolerate his crate better. He proved to me it had nothing to do with separation anxiety because when he was closed in the kitchen by himself, he was OK with it. He just didn't like the crate. By the end of the 1 hr session (he actually spent 2 hrs, but just charged for 1), Elroy was able to tolerate the crate and still will (if I have to) to this day. He doesn't use it as his happy place, but he does use it if I tell him to go in there.
Does your girl have issues with separation (from you) or from being closed up in a crate? They can be different issues. BTW, What's her name?


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## Rian (Sep 17, 2021)

94Magna_Tom said:


> When he was only 4-5 months old, Elroy would fuss and whine and bark and cry when I put him in his crate. I hired a behaviorist to help get him to tolerate his crate better. He proved to me it had nothing to do with separation anxiety because when he was closed in the kitchen by himself, he was OK with it. He just didn't like the crate. By the end of the 1 hr session (he actually spent 2 hrs, but just charged for 1), Elroy was able to tolerate the crate and still will (if I have to) to this day. He doesn't use it as his happy place, but he does use it if I tell him to go in there.
> Does your girl have issues with separation (from you) or from being closed up in a crate? They can be different issues. BTW, What's her name?


At first, absolutely. Any barrier at all would send her into a whining frenzy. But I have baby gates up all over the house now, mostly to keep her out of the carpeted bedrooms, and she inconsistently whines when I go out of sight. Huge improvements in that regard. I couldn't even shower without her having a meltdown the first few days. Right now she's happily sleeping out of sight in her pen, but we're post-puppy class again!

I've started playing some crate games with her. Got the door closed for maybe 5 minutes before she started to whimper. I read that it's important to let them know you'll answer their requests, especially with crates, even if it's a little whining at first. She goes in there on her own all the time to nap or play, she's certainly not afraid or wary of it. She's just not crazy about the door being closed, for long periods at least. She sleeps in there with access to her play pen, as well. She loved that from day one, I haven't had one sleepless night with this puppy, knock on wood.

I try to practice letting her nap away from me, even though I love having her right next to me while I work. I find she's a lot better at managing her strong desire to be attached at the hip if I routinely practice keeping her away on a schedule. She's definitely VERY attached to me. I had to leave for several hours in the middle of the day last week (out of routine for sure) and she didn't give my partner a single moment's rest and whined and cried the entire time I was gone despite him being right next to her. This was a weird day for her though, we had a traumatic morning with a tooth issue (had to go to the vet, again out of routine of course) and I think she just needed a little extra TLC that day, and I wasn't able to be there for her 

Her name is Margot! I've had her for about a month and a half now and she's just wonderful. Just gotta work on her confidence!


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## Char (12 mo ago)

Hey! Just posted about my 10 month old puppy who has issues being left alone and started barking at night too. I don't have any solutions, but wondered how you got on? We do alone time in the crate, but only once a day with my husband in the kitchen/upstairs. No treats as this just used to distract her, then she would start the howling when done! We have built up to an hour with no barking and she sleeps for much of this time. Sometimes she still only lasts 20 minutes until the first woof, but it has improved. We now have a trainer that has suggested we don't put her in the crate for alone time in the day, but leave her loose in the living room, where her crate is. Firstly just leaving doors open and doing 'flitting' between rooms until she hopefully stops following us! I am a bit worried about this, as I feel we have made progress with the crate in the day and am also concerned about the furniture etc. She doesn't damage anything normally, but she may act differently when we're not there. My husband also works from home and she is attached to him as well as me. Should we ditch aline time in the crate for the day, or maybe do a combo of one crate session and a few flitting routines daily left loose in the living room? It has taken months to get her to sleep in there alone as an older puppy and I don't want to waste this and start another technique. We just want to go out for 2 hours without her and gave not done so for 10 months!


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## 94Magna_Tom (Feb 23, 2021)

@Char I would try puppy proofing an entire room for her and leaving her in there for the 2 hour period to see how it goes. Do you have a video camera to watch her? They're not very expensive (i got 2/$90) and they allow you to know how shes doing. I used the kitchen as it was easiest to puppy proof for me (no rugs & no soft furniture).


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## Char (12 mo ago)

94Magna_Tom said:


> @Char I would try puppy proofing an entire room for her and leaving her in there for the 2 hour period to see how it goes. Do you have a video camera to watch her? They're not very expensive (i got 2/$90) and they allow you to know how shes doing. I used the kitchen as it was easiest to puppy proof for me (no rugs & no soft furniture).


Thanks and yes we have a camera, which is how we found out she went crazy in the crate a couple of months ago when left for an hour! The crate is large and she can lay out, stand up and move around easily. The trainer said to leave her in living room as she likes it their best, the kitchen however is safer, but she has never been left in the kitchen with the door shut. I also worry my neighbour's dogs will be heard more in the kitchen. Only other place is the hallway, which she likes but can see out the front door as it's glazed which may not be great for her anxiousness! I just wondered if we should continue with the crate in the day as we think we're making slow progress, after starting from scratch again a couple.of months ago. I was surprised the trainer said to stop using the crate and start just leaving her in the living room, as advice I have seen is don't trust any puppy under 18 months on their own with soft furnishings! So confused.


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## Starvt (Nov 5, 2019)

It seems crazy to me that the trainer said to stop crating your pup. There are many benefits to a dog easily accepting being crated. As you said, for safety to prevent ingesting items (I've seen everything from dog toys and kids toys, medication, rugs, bedding, drywall, clothing...), but also in case of emergency, boarding or hospitalization at the vet, cage rest requirements, travel, or if you have visitors or workers in your house.
I like your idea of doing sessions of crating as well as sessions being alone while loose. I think it can be helpful to see it as two separate skills, which should be eventually combined (just like many other skills).
One thing I have done with my current puppy, is that I have a crate with a favorite bed by my feet at my desk. I put her in there mid-morning and she sleeps for several hours while I work. So this works on her crating but not separation.
For separation I have baby gates in various doorways, and to start I would make quick trips (laundry, bathroom, etc). 
I quickly was able to progress to leaving for short absences during the work/crating times and now I can come and go as much and as long as I please.


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## 94Magna_Tom (Feb 23, 2021)

Char said:


> I have seen is don't trust any puppy under 18 months on their own with soft furnishings! So confused.


Elroy has been given free reign since 6 months and he hasn't destroyed anything. I think he's may be an exception, but it highlights the fact that each dog is an individual. I'd judge it by *your puppies *behavior rather than relying on an 18 month generalization. When I left him in the kitchen, I'd give him several toys, a couple of blankets, and some dirty clothing of mine. He generally slept while I was away (up to 4 hours), never got into trouble.


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## Rian (Sep 17, 2021)

Wanted to post an update with Margot's progress. I found a "desensitization" schedule that I've been following to a T, the progress is slow, but it's progress! She does incredibly well with the birdcage method. If she can see activity going on around her, she wants to join in, so I've been covering her crate and putting her in the bedroom with the door closed and it really seems to help.

Every day I practice 2 sessions of alone time where I'm just in another room and 2 sessions where she can see me walk out the front door. We're only up to several seconds of silence when she can actually see me leave but she's happily in her crate for up to a half hour when I'm working in the other room now. Really encouraged by this! Posted the PDF I've been following, hope it can help someone else. The timeline goes up to nearly 5 hours but I don't really see myself ever leaving her that long without taking her to her home-away-from-home. At least not for a LONG time since it's so stressful for her. 

Oh, and she's finally eating while we do crate training. She was too nervous to eat before. Very hopeful that it's working!


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## caplumb.cp (12 mo ago)

Rian said:


> We've successfully left her alone a handful of times--some longer, some shorter--the longest time being about 3 hours to go to a concert (first one since covid, whoo!). Fortunately, she was 'post-puppy class super-tired' and we left after her bedtime so she slept the entire time. So happy!
> 
> However, a few days ago, we made a quick grocery store trip (25ish minutes) and I watched her on the camera: she cried the entire time, pacing back and forth in the kitchen, transitioning between screaming howls to just straight up barking. It's probably my fault for not really keeping up with practicing much alone time. I work from home and suck at not letting her sleep on my feet. Some days I have more self control than others
> 
> ...


Wow! I just read this, I m having a similar problem with my puppy, which I just posted about. He is 17 weeks old. How is your dog doing now.


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## Rian (Sep 17, 2021)

caplumb.cp said:


> Wow! I just read this, I m having a similar problem with my puppy, which I just posted about. He is 17 weeks old. How is your dog doing now.


Hi there! She's doing better, but progress is slow. I only wish I had stuck to a more disciplined routine from day one, but that's just the learning curve. I keep a spreadsheet of her progress, I've gotten to the point where I can leave her free in the bedroom for about an hour (even with locking the door that makes a jingle, she seems to know what that means now) and about 30-40 minutes in the crate. She does better in the evenings, of course. She's never been a chewer or done anything destructive, so freedom in a bedroom might not work for other dogs. For the crate, she does best with a blanket covering it so she can't really see or hear what's going on. 

Consistency really is key. If I slack off at all she takes a few steps backward. It really helped ME to start thinking about it as "desensitization training" instead of "managing separation anxiety". I don't really think she has a full-blown case of that, she just hasn't had any experience being by herself in her short life since I work from home and really have no reason to go out due to the pandemic. I try to stay empathetic to that fact because it's not that she's a weird or "bad" dog. She's just a baby and has no idea that it's okay to be without me. 

I posted a document earlier in the thread that I've been following. It seems silly to walk out the door for 2 seconds but I swear it's helping. She really is getting better, the progress is just slow. 

To be clear I do 3 different types of this training with different durations:
Alone in the bedroom free (she does best here, longest duration)
Alone in the bedroom in a covered crate (2nd best)
In her X-Pen where she can see the door / when I leave and come back (most uncomfortable here, we're up to about 15 seconds of no crying, give or take)

Good luck with your baby. I'm no expert but this has been working for us


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## BennieJets (Oct 10, 2021)

Rian said:


> Hi there! She's doing better, but progress is slow. I only wish I had stuck to a more disciplined routine from day one, but that's just the learning curve. I keep a spreadsheet of her progress, I've gotten to the point where I can leave her free in the bedroom for about an hour (even with locking the door that makes a jingle, she seems to know what that means now) and about 30-40 minutes in the crate. She does better in the evenings, of course. She's never been a chewer or done anything destructive, so freedom in a bedroom might not work for other dogs. For the crate, she does best with a blanket covering it so she can't really see or hear what's going on.
> 
> Consistency really is key. If I slack off at all she takes a few steps backward. It really helped ME to start thinking about it as "desensitization training" instead of "managing separation anxiety". I don't really think she has a full-blown case of that, she just hasn't had any experience being by herself in her short life since I work from home and really have no reason to go out due to the pandemic. I try to stay empathetic to that fact because it's not that she's a weird or "bad" dog. She's just a baby and has no idea that it's okay to be without me.
> 
> ...


I love what you say here about desensitization versus full blown separation anxiety. I think avoiding that label and all of the ways our behaviours and own anxieties are coloured by it is valuable. I mean, a baby puppy expressing upset about being alone is well within the realm of developmental norms. My pup still lets me know she’s not a fan when I crate her (in a covered crate) and leave to go get the kids at school, and she’s six months old now. I just persist with letting her get the practice, and I return in a reasonable amount of time. I figure it’s like anything we’re training them for— leash manners, sit-stays, impulse control... they all develop at their own pace, and to varying degrees based on temperament and such... but they all get to where they need to! Relaxing some expectation and judgement of them and ourselves goes a long way 😊


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## Rian (Sep 17, 2021)

BennieJets said:


> I love what you say here about desensitization versus full blown separation anxiety. I think avoiding that label and all of the ways our behaviours and own anxieties are coloured by it is valuable. I mean, a baby puppy expressing upset about being alone is well within the realm of developmental norms. My pup still lets me know she’s not a fan when I crate her (in a covered crate) and leave to go get the kids at school, and she’s six months old now. I just persist with letting her get the practice, and I return in a reasonable amount of time. I figure it’s like anything we’re training them for— leash manners, sit-stays, impulse control... they all develop at their own pace, and to varying degrees based on temperament and such... but they all get to where they need to! Relaxing some expectation and judgement of them and ourselves goes a long way 😊


Exactly!! You've expressed my exact sentiments. She's such an intuitive dog, I think she could sense MY dread about leaving her, which is probably a pretty foreboding impression for a little girl. She looks to me for cues, after all, and I was sending THE MOST anxious cues. We're learning together, we both need to relax


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## Cpsyche (12 mo ago)

Rian said:


> Hi there! She's doing better, but progress is slow. I only wish I had stuck to a more disciplined routine from day one, but that's just the learning curve. I keep a spreadsheet of her progress, I've gotten to the point where I can leave her free in the bedroom for about an hour (even with locking the door that makes a jingle, she seems to know what that means now) and about 30-40 minutes in the crate. She does better in the evenings, of course. She's never been a chewer or done anything destructive, so freedom in a bedroom might not work for other dogs. For the crate, she does best with a blanket covering it so she can't really see or hear what's going on.
> 
> Consistency really is key. If I slack off at all she takes a few steps backward. It really helped ME to start thinking about it as "desensitization training" instead of "managing separation anxiety". I don't really think she has a full-blown case of that, she just hasn't had any experience being by herself in her short life since I work from home and really have no reason to go out due to the pandemic. I try to stay empathetic to that fact because it's not that she's a weird or "bad" dog. She's just a baby and has no idea that it's okay to be without me.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your comments. We thought we were truly on our way with him staying contented in his crate. This is out of the clear blue, he sounds like he's really mad to be in there. They do go through phases, so hopefully, this is it.


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## Rian (Sep 17, 2021)

Cpsyche said:


> Thank you for your comments. We thought we were truly on our way with him staying contented in his crate. This is out of the clear blue, he sounds like he's really mad to be in there. They do go through phases, so hopefully, this is it.


Yeah, all I can say is keep it up. The reading I did said to expect their "threshold" to change and that it's completely normal. Best of luck to you!!


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## Mfmst (Jun 18, 2014)

You have to be very businesslike on returns and departures. (The “winners” during this cursed Pandemic has been our pets, used to us always around.). Buck was crate trained, but we caved, rather DH caved to his piteous crying. We removed rugs, and gave him the tiled kitchen and hallway as his xtended x-pen. With time he earned his way into the rest of the house. I used his schedule to get him used to being alone. Fed and pottied, bye.


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## Char (12 mo ago)

This is so useful to read, our pup us now 10 months and we have been on a rollercoaster with leaving her alone. We thought we were doing well at about 6 months old in the crate and leaving the house for an hour, but it was clear when filming her, that the Kong distraction was not helping her 'cope'. She had reached her threshold and we had to go back to 2 seconds alone again. After another 4 months, she is now able the be left alone in the crate in the daytime and settles down to sleep in there for at least an hour with no noise. She can also be left in a room alone for 20 minutes at a time and just chills out. Next we need to leave the house, again it will be slow progress! It was interesting to learn about extinction bursts and it explains why you may get a sudden increase in other behavioural issues when doing alone time. Also adolescence can be to blame. Good luck all!


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## Akweley12 (Mar 27, 2021)

Starla said:


> I would lock the door each time.
> 
> My dog who had separation anxiety did a million times better when not shut into her crate, though she loved her crate. 🤷‍♀️
> 
> ...


I love this. I wish I could get my husband to do this but he feels like it’s mean. But I think it’s effective. But How do you get the dog to not run up to you when you enter?


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## Starla (Nov 5, 2020)

Akweley12 said:


> I love this. I wish I could get my husband to do this but he feels like it’s mean. But I think it’s effective. But How do you get the dog to not run up to you when you enter?


At first they will run up to you, but if you ignore them until you get the behavior you want, they will realize that being calm and waiting will get them the attention they want so much faster! It helps to start this while they’re crated, so they can’t run and jump all over you when you walk in the door (this is still the phase we’re in). I think if they’re used to being ignored when you come home and they’re in the crate, it makes it easier to transition to doing the same when they’re out of the crate.


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## Akweley12 (Mar 27, 2021)

Starla said:


> At first they will run up to you, but if you ignore them until you get the behavior you want, they will realize that being calm and waiting will get them the attention they want so much faster! It helps to start this while they’re crated, so they can’t run and jump all over you when you walk in the door (this is still the phase we’re in). I think if they’re used to being ignored when you come home and they’re in the crate, it makes it easier to transition to doing the same when they’re out of the crate.


Thank you! We don’t use a crate, we do use a pen but it’s in our bedroom and she’s usually in the living room when he arrives home. We will try it with him just ignoring her and see how it goes.


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## cowpony (Dec 30, 2009)

I usually have a desperate need to pee by the time I get home, so ignoring the dogs isn't difficult. I drop my bag, shoulder the dogs aside, and sprint to the bathroom. Investigating my bag has usually taken the edge off their excitement by the time I emerge.

I would be hesitant to continue using an xpen with a dog that routinely escapes from it while left alone. First, you don't want the dog to become accustomed to thinking that staying inside a pen is an optional request. Second, there is the chance the dog could get stuck partway out. There is a danger of severe physical and mental damage if a dog is left thrashing for an extended time with no one there to help.


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## Akweley12 (Mar 27, 2021)

cowpony said:


> I usually have a desperate need to pee by the time I get home, so ignoring the dogs isn't difficult. I drop my bag, shoulder the dogs aside, and sprint to the bathroom. Investigating my bag has usually taken the edge off their excitement by the time I emerge.
> 
> I would be hesitant to continue using an xpen with a dog that routinely escapes from it while left alone. First, you don't want the dog to become accustomed to thinking that staying inside a pen is an optional request. Second, there is the chance the dog could get stuck partway out. There is a danger of severe physical and mental damage if a dog is left thrashing for an extended time with no one there to help.


I agree. I meant we use a pen for her when we go to sleep. When we leave we can’t leave her in the pen because she does try to escape. It was bad. We leave her in our living room when we leave.


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## 94Magna_Tom (Feb 23, 2021)

With Elroy, I've never made a big deal out of going or coming. If I'm coming right back in, I'll say "be right back", otherwise I just walk out and close the door behind me. No acknowledgement whatsoever. When I get home, I'll say either nothing, or if he approaches me immediately, say "hi I'm home" (or similar) in a quiet gentle voice with no excitement. Usually when I get home, he stands up and casually walks towards me. Sometimes lately he doesn't even get up until I walk past him.
I'm all for unacknowledged departures and minimal acknowledged arrivals.


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