# puppy's behaviour is getting out of control. help!



## schnauzerpoodle (Apr 21, 2010)

Either

1. train and discipline your mother

or

2. send your puppy to a doggie daycare while your mom is around.

I am so sorry and I can understand your situation. That's EXACTLY why I would not allow my mother-in-law to be anywhere near my child, if I had one. I just need to raise MY kids and pets MY way.

Good luck!


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## papoodles (Jun 27, 2011)

You have ALL my sympathy- and I hesitate to add anything to make you feel worse about your situation, but I would strongly encourage you to set the parameters for your mother's behavior in your house, and more importantly, in your life. 
She is training your puppy to treat you as disrespectfully as she is treating you now, and that is just awful! She'll no doubt escalate until her behavior is 'checked'. That will be very hard!
Can you ask your husband to intervene so you don't get hit with all the negative feedback if you hold your ground?
But you must speak up - or give up your kitchen...and your private life.
I would..


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## Countryboy (May 16, 2011)

I don't think it's yr puppy's behaviour that's getting out of control. Any chance that u could get yr mother her own dog?


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## Purley (May 21, 2010)

Too bad there isn't daycare for mothers!!

But I have to say - you are being a wimp. Stand up for yourself and tell your mother to get her own dog, mind her own business or stay home while you are doing the kitchen. 

Or do what Countryboy said - I think it was him - send the dog to doggy daycare while she is there.


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## stardoc (Jul 18, 2011)

Unfortunately I cannot train my mom. I just recently got back on speaking terms with her after about a year of time off and now she is behaving much better than she used to before. I am doing my best to try and keep the puppy away, but mother can be quite persistant. Desi has a sister free to a good home - her umbilical was cut too short and there is a little bump there now - but both my parents turned into snobs and said they would only go for a purebread poodle with a proper pedigree and only white. My husband does back me up when he gets a chance, but he workd until late and quite often mom talkes to me in the language my husband doesn't fully understand, so it's difficult for him to intervene. I was waiting to start training the dog properly until the kitchen is done so i have more space for things, but I guess I need to change that plan of action. Desi really is a smart and cute dog, and I do believe she's can be really nice but i'm also afraid she'll get too spoilt.


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## plumcrazy (Sep 11, 2009)

It sounds like your mother has control issues. It makes it very difficult for you and I'm sorry. 

You mentioned that you were "waiting to start training the dog properly", but let me add that it doesn't matter if you THINK you're waiting... no matter WHAT you're doing with your puppy, and no matter WHEN you're doing it - you're TRAINING (either good or bad!) Just try to stay as consistent as possible and do your best to keep your mom at a distance when she's there.

Best of luck with your puppy!


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## Countryboy (May 16, 2011)

stardoc said:


> - but both my parents turned into snobs and said they would only go for a purebred poodle with a proper pedigree and only white.


Yr mother is used to doing things her way. Any chance u could 'challenge' her? She might be up for that . . searching for her own, white, purebred. 'Specially if u can make it seem like it's her idea.  

*And . . we all know that once she starts actually looking at dogs, she might just find something that isn't exactly white, and isn't necessarily purebred, that she 'falls in love with' anyway. * 

Or, if she likes to read, buy her a training book . . . or just leave one lying around the house . . . one with 'proper' training methods. lol There's tons of suggestions for those here in the forum.

Encourage her to take Desi out for a walk, maybe?? Show her off to some of her friends?? *I could be wrong, but I'm thinkin' that there might be less 'bad' behaviour learned if they're away from the house.* But really, whatever works to divert the situation, or lessen it. 

'Cos Plumcrazy is absolutely right. Desi is 'learning' as we speak . . . good or bad.


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## Fond of Poodles (Feb 1, 2011)

I hesitate to recommend that "mom" get her own dog...we've all see the results of a "spoiled small dog" being re-homed because of bad behaviour such as messing in the house continually. The dog gets blamed, and labelled as not trainable when it is usually owner error. I would hesitate to sell a dog to someone who encourages a dog to attack a cat, and who doesn't seem remotely interested in training to produce a happy, well trained and respectful dog...

As to the puppy, I don't imagine "mom" is there all day and night? Why not buy or make an ex-pen for puppy, or use a large crate and tell mom that for puppy's "safety" you feel he/she needs to be contained during the construction? You could take the puppy out for potty breaks (outside or in the litter box), or if the ex pen area is big enough put the litter in the pen. You could do the walks and incorporate some basic training during these outings.

I'd tell mom firmly that you and only you need to train the dog. You stated that you will have the dog for "x" number of years and want to live with a well trained animal, wouldn't mom understand that reasoning?

Colina


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## littlestitches (Dec 28, 2009)

I am so sorry to hear your situation. 

It is definitely a mother problem not a puppy problem. Any chance your Dad can talk to her? If not you really need to stand up to her and put your foot down about the rules for the pup, this will not get better on its own. Countryboy's suggestion of puppy day care is a good one ( or at a friend's place), then y when your Mom asks where the pup is, you can tell her that because she was not respecting the rules you set out for the pup, the pup cannot be around when she is there. You will stay in control, she cannot do anything because the pup is not there. If she agrees to follow your rules regarding the pup, have the pup there the next time they come, have the pup there, if she chooses to ignore your rules, have the pup back in daycare. 

I would not encourage her to get her own dog, it seems from what you have discribed that she would not be the best dog owner. 

You need to get this settled soon, because if this is how she is with a puppy, think of how she is going to be when you have children? 

I wish you the best of luck.

Paula


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## stardoc (Jul 18, 2011)

I am definetely aware that my relationship with mom is really messed up, but it really is much better than it was even 2 years ago. Howeve, after seeing how she treats a dog, my husband and I now know we would not be able to leave any kids we may have with my parents unsupervised. My dad is all for indulging mom and both can't understand what's the problem is with letting mom play with the puppy for an hour or so. Since she had a poodle before she considers herself an expert on training, behavioural conditioning and anything poodle. At this point we are considering to rekey the house, since my parents got a key to our place.


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## schnauzerpoodle (Apr 21, 2010)

Rekey? Get your earplugs ready~

I have dealt with my mother who has control issues for 27 years. My dad used to indulge her just to buy some peace (and sleep) for everyone in the house. Locking my bedroom, yelling, screaming, reasoning, seeking professionals to talk to her, going to college to another continent, keeping visits short, rekeying, signing up agreement…. nothing worked.

So you said you would not leave any kids you may have with them unsupervised. You think you can do that?

I think you have to choose - kitchen or the dog? kitchen or the cat? You are letting her teach your dog to attack the cat. Do you think your cat deserves that kind of treatment?

It's hard, very hard. It took me 27 years to finally move far far away so that I don't get any influence from her. By no influence I mean, no contact at all. Of course, I hope your mother's issues are not as serious as my mother's but …. 

Never give out your key to a mother/mother-in-law with control issues. Well, it's too late now.

I still stick to my original advice: Send your pup to a doggie daycare or boarding facility while she has access to your place. 

Or, say no to their help. Hire someone else to do the kitchen. That money buys you a new kitchen AND some peace, hopefully.


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## stardoc (Jul 18, 2011)

I'm still surprised to find out that there are people who have the same issue as myself. My mom is pretty similar to what you described, except the lock on the door was never even the remotest of possibilities and I generally like my dad. Except it took me lots of time to realize that he used me as a smokescreen to get some peace. Unfortunately for me family is extremely important so at 27 we had a huge fight and haven't spoken to my parent's for a full year. now it's been a year and a half of semi-truth aka no huge fights and I do see mother try at time. My folks found a listing for our new home and funded the renovations, that's why barring them from our home is not the best option - that's the way my folks apologize, they pretend nothing happened and give a really expensive present. Since the fight this financial help is the first one I have allowed them to give us - hubby is a uni student. So unfortunately these interpersonal things complicate matters. I have found some friends who live nearby and foster animals for adopion, so I'm going to find out if they can look after the puppy in the evening and I'm waiting for when my parents go for summer vacation and hope to finish eveything else before they return....


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## schnauzerpoodle (Apr 21, 2010)

Ah, the cold war and the financial assistance …. been there …. money received, privacy + dignity surrendered. I didn't talk with her for three years then I thought things would change but yeah, things change but not human, unfortunately. Once I got back in touch, it went back to how it was left. And it got worse - because every 10-15 days she brought up how I blocked her out and how I didn't talk to her for 3 years blah blah blah… People with control issues know when and how to manipulate other people.

I wish you the best. It's too late - once you received the financial assistance it's too late. You basically sold your soul and your husband's the time you received the expensive "gift". It's never a gift.

There's nothing else I can suggest except sending your puppy somewhere else when the bad influence is around. And good luck!

p.s. There are plenty of people have issues like that. You are not alone. Suggested google search: borderline mothers and their daughters.


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## Katie (Jul 7, 2011)

I moved as far away from my in-laws as I could.....27,000 miles.....and I NEVER EVER left them alone with my kids before we emigrated. I caused a family rift but I don't care...actually I do care, deeply, but I love my kids more than my in-laws.

If its bad with the dog it will be appalling with the kids, I know I have been there. I even ended up taking all the kids to a pediatrician to have full health checks as M-in-L said I was neglecting them and was going to report me. Your mum is saying you don't want the dog, she can look after it better. beware.

I don't know your situation, and every one differs, but I am very happy to be in a different hemisphere from the rest of the family.

Good luck.


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## stardoc (Jul 18, 2011)

Well, my folks brought me here we imiigrated as a family 13 years ago, and I don't think I'd be moving myself anywhere, I really like this city and country in general. As for financial assistnace, I have a trunp card. I've got a lot of money for uni entrance enough to pay for about 3/4 of the entire uni education and my parents asked to borrow it to make a down payment on their first house. I am still paying off the loan I had to take to pay for my first year at uni and I paid for the rest myself. My folks never returned the full amount, even though they say they did, so if my mom ever tried to say something... 

Last night I gave in to my husband's recommendation, stuck Desi's nose into her do-do, smaked her on the bum with a rolled newspaper and left her in her pen for an hour on her own. I felt really horribly, but an hour later my sweetest puppy was back. She was contrite, affectionate, when playing with kitten she was much gentler and left the cat alone when we told her to stop, she slept through the night waking me up to go outside only once and didn't object to the leash. I am happy she is back to normal self. But I still feel guilty for punishing her because it was actually my mom's fault. From now on mom doesn't get to hang out with my dog.


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## schnauzerpoodle (Apr 21, 2010)

It should be your mom who should have gotten the punishment. Oh well, too bad you can't lock her in the playpen ….

However, I don't think smacking is the way to go. Putting your pup in the playpen, ignoring her for a short while, reward her when she behaves in her playpen …. should do the trick. Consistency is the keyword.


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## PaddleAddict (Feb 9, 2010)

stardoc said:


> Last night I gave in to my husband's recommendation, stuck Desi's nose into her do-do, smaked her on the bum with a rolled newspaper and left her in her pen for an hour on her own.


I know you mean well, but PLEASE do not do this to your poor poodle puppy. This is terrible advice and will not work. This is not the way to potty train a puppy. Hitting a dog and rubbing its nose in its feces will only make the dog afraid of you. You might think it "worked" because she acted "contrite," but you are humanizing the dog. Her appeasing behavior toward you was because she was afraid of you and she was trying to be submissive so you would not be scary and hurt her again.

There is lots of great pooty training advice on this forum. Search "house training" or "potty training" and you will learn a lot.


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## Rowan (May 27, 2011)

stardoc said:


> Well, my folks brought me here we imiigrated as a family 13 years ago, and I don't think I'd be moving myself anywhere, I really like this city and country in general. *As for financial assistnace, I have a trunp card. I've got a lot of money for uni entrance enough to pay for about 3/4 of the entire uni education and my parents asked to borrow it to make a down payment on their first house. I am still paying off the loan I had to take to pay for my first year at uni and I paid for the rest myself. My folks never returned the full amount, even though they say they did, so if my mom ever tried to say something... *
> 
> Last night I gave in to my husband's recommendation, stuck Desi's nose into her do-do, smaked her on the bum with a rolled newspaper and left her in her pen for an hour on her own. I felt really horribly, but an hour later my sweetest puppy was back. She was contrite, affectionate, when playing with kitten she was much gentler and left the cat alone when we told her to stop, she slept through the night waking me up to go outside only once and didn't object to the leash. I am happy she is back to normal self. But I still feel guilty for punishing her because it was actually my mom's fault. From now on mom doesn't get to hang out with my dog.


Wait, you took out a loan for college and your mother _spent _it and didn't return it (and lied about it)? :hmmmm2:

Okay, I'm by no means a psychologist and I'm fortunate to have a lovely mother, but you really need to put your foot down. The fact she's disregarding your wishes when it comes to raising your puppy is inexcusable. The fact she's encouraging the pup to torment the kitten is awful (and I don't even like cats). Can you and your husband SIT HER DOWN and have serious discussion about how things are going to be? If she refuses to comply, well then perhaps you're better off not speaking to her for however long it takes for her to get the picture. The way things are now just can't be healthy and I _really _feel for you. 

As for sticking your pup's nose in her poop and swatting her, I agree with PaddleAddict 100% and then some. This poor pup will associate defecating and urinating with really negative consequences, and it will become something negative for her. Relieving yourself shouldn't be a negative behaviour for _any _species. Can you imagine worrying about some giant creature smacking you after you did what you consider to be a natural function?  

Don't anthropomorphize her--dogs don't feel guilt, etc., like humans do. She might appear to be "contrite" but that's because she can tell you're not happy about something. Imagine you're sitting at a table and some person storms up to you screaming in a foreign language. You've got NO clue what he's going on about, but you know he's angry and that alone makes you uncomfortable. 

I suggest crate training to get her back on track, and finding her somewhere else to be if you continue to allow your mother to dominate your life. (And by no means encourage her to get her own dog--that's a disaster waiting to happen, IMHO.)


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